Alternative Definitions

The following 15 definitions are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea is to redefine words from the dictionary.

Abdicate

--v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Balderdash

--n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Carcinoma

--n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog

Circumvent

--n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Coffee

--n., a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted

--adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Flatulence

--n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Internet

--n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton.

Macadam

-- n, the 1st man on Earth, according to the Scottish Bible.

Lymph

--v., to walk with a lisp.

Negligent

--adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Oyster

--n., a person who sprinkles his or her conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Rectitude

--n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist (aka the rear admiral) immediately before he or she examines you.

Semantics

--n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest’s prayer book together just before vespers.

Willy-nilly

--adj., impotent.

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