If Cars Were Like Computers

What if cars really were like computers? You'd have a helpline to assist in solving problems as they came up... Now just imagine if the same people that answer the phones at Microsoft had to answer the General Motors helpline...

Technical Support: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!”
Technical Support: “Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?”
Customer: “What’s an ignition?”
Technical Support: “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine.”
Customer: “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?”

Technical Support: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
Technical Support: “Is the gas tank empty?”
Customer: “Huh? How do I know?”
Technical Support: “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?”
Customer: “I see an ‘E’ but no ‘F’.”
Technical Support: “You see the ‘E’ and just to the right is the ‘F’.
Customer: “No, just to the right of the first ‘E’ is a ‘V’.
Technical Support: “A ‘V’?!?”
Customer: “Yeah, there’s a ‘C’, an ‘H’, the first ‘E’, then a ‘V’, followed by ‘R’, ‘O’, ‘L’ ...”
Technical Support: “No, no, no sir! That’s the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that’s the panel I’m talking about.”
Customer: “That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?”
Technical Support: “Yes, among other things.”
Customer: “The needle’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”
Technical Support: “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
Customer: “What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!”

Technical Support: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Your cars are bad!”
Technical Support: “What’s wrong?”
Customer: “It crashed, that’s what went wrong!”
Technical Support: “What were you doing?”
Customer: “I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed—and now it won’t even start up!”
Technical Support: “I’m sorry, sir, but it’s your responsibility if you misuse the product.”
Customer: “Misuse it? I was just following this manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in ‘D’ and press the accelerator pedal. That’s exactly what I did. Now the thing’s crashed.”
Technical Support: “Did you read the entire operator’s manual before operating the car sir?”
Customer: “What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn’t work!”
Technical Support: “Didn’t you attempt to slow down so you wouldn’t crash?”
Customer: “How do you do THAT?”
Technical Support: “You said you read the entire manual, sir. It’s on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator.”
Customer: “Well, I don’t have all day to sit around and read this manual you know.”
Technical Support: “Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?”
Customer: “I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won’t crash anymore!”

Technical Support: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “I can get in through the driver’s side door just fine, but I can’t open the passenger’s side.”
Technical Support: “How did you try to open the passenger’s side?”
Customer: “I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side.”
Technical Support: “People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger’s side. Remember, you’re always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It’s more consistent that way.”

Technical Support: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “How do I turn my windshield wipers on?”
Technical Support: “There’s a little button on the radio console . . .”
Customer: “Radio console??”
Technical Support: “Yes, it’s more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it.”
Customer: “And that’s the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did.”
Technical Support: “People are always asking that. You’d think they’d be more familiar with the principles of graphic design.”

Technical Support: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens.”
Technical Support: “What model do you have?”
Customer: “It’s a brand new 1994 Mongoose.”
Technical Support: “Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?”
Customer: “I don’t know. Let me find out and I’ll call you back.”
Technical Support: “Alright, but let me tell you you’ve probably got the small r model. You’ll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse.”

Technical Support: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “I just called about the car that wouldn’t go in reverse.”
Technical Support: “Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that.”
Customer: “It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the ‘Reverse gear option’.”
Technical Support: “Yes, that’s the option to upgrade to a reverse gear.”
Customer: “Why don’t they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?”
Technical Support: “Well, that’s very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our ‘power drivers’.”
Customer: “How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?”
Technical Support: “Ahem. Well, yes, they’re not a market leader, they’re just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kind complicated details, go right ahead . . .”

Technical Support: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “My car just caught fire.”
Technical Support: “I see. And what model was it?”
Customer: “1994r Mongoose.”
Technical Support: “Big or small . . .”
Customer: “ . . . small r.”
Technical Support: “And your registration number?”
Customer: “426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam.”
Technical Support: “And where did you buy your car?”
Customer: “Fast Eddie’s Sports-o-rama in Glendale.”
Technical Support: “And what was the name of the salesman?”
Customer: “I don’t remember.”
Technical Support: “I see. Are you sure you didn’t steal this car?”
Customer: “Of course I didn’t steal it!”
Technical Support: “And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract?”

Technical Support: “General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?”
Customer: “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
Technical Support: “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
Customer: “How do I work it?”
Technical Support: “Do you know how to drive?”
Customer: “Do I know how to what?”
Technical Support: “Do you know how to DRIVE?”
Customer: “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!”

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