Jack Bauer jokes

Jokes about Jack Bauer, Kieffer Sutherland's character on the hit TV series '24'

• There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer’s right hand and Jack Bauer’s left hand.
• Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
• If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called “1”, not ”300”
• The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times.  They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street.  No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
• When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
• Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
• Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer’s mind. Now he’s confined to a wheel chair.
• When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate.  When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
• There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.

• There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack—after hearing that Jack Bauer is coming for them.
• Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
• Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
• Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn’t let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
• On Jack Bauer’s Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents.
• Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, “I have them right where I want them.”
• If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
• If everyone on “24” followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12”.
• There’s one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.
• If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
• On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers.  He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
• Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd.  No one fools Jack Bauer.
• Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner.  He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
• Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
• Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.
• There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.  Coincidence?  I think not!
• Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

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