New Year’s resolutions that I can actually keep

of course, I resolve to stop making New Year's resolutions ... oops, broke that one!

This year, I resolve to ...

• Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less. Makes you think.
• Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
• Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
• Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
• Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
• Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
• Not have eight children at once.
• Get in a whole NEW rut!
• Start being superstitious.
• Personal goal: bring back disco.
• Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
• Buy an ‘83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
• Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
• Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
• Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
• Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
• Not eat cloned meat.
• Create loose ends.
• Get more toys.
• Get further in debt.
• Not believe politicians.
• Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
• Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
• Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
• Stay off the International Space Station.
• Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
• Associate with even worse business clients.
• Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
• Wait around for opportunity.
• Focus on the faults of others.
• Mope about my faults.
• Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

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