Pun collection

A collection of puns from my mother-in-law, who *claims* to dislike puns... hah!

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.  Then it hit me.
• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the man whose entire left side was cut off?  He’s all right now.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
• The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
• The optometrist back up into the glass grinder and made a spectacle of himself.
• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
• The psychic midget who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.  He became a hardened criminal.
• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
• We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
• The math professor when crazy with the blackboard.  He did a number on it.
• Bakes trade bread on a knead to know basis.
• Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
• Acupuncture: A jab well done.
• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is too tired.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
• A backward poet writes inverse.
• In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
• Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
• He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
• A calendar’s days are numbered.
• A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
• A boiled egg is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• A plateau is a high form of flattery.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

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