Best Clean Funny Jokes

Police arrest two children

2010-09-02T21:50:01-06:00

Police arrested two kids yesterday:
one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

I’ve broken my arm in several places

2010-09-01T21:44:00-06:00

A man walked into the doctor’s office. When he finally got to see the doctor, he told him, “I’ve broken my arm in three different places”.

The doctor said, “I’d avoid those places if I were you!”

More funny signs

2010-09-01T00:53:00-06:00

Quicksand warning: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
In a safari park: Elephants please stay in your car
Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.
In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.

Funny business signs

2010-08-30T22:44:00-06:00

Funny business signs:

in a office building bathroom:’toilet out of order please use floor below
In an office kitchen:’After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board’
in a gas station:’will sell petrol to anyone in a glass container’
Outside a second-hand store: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a Los Angeles clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
In the offices of a New Jersey loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In the window of an appliance store: Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
On a church door: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
On an electrician’s truck: Let us remove your shorts.
On an established dry cleaning store: Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
At an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
In a cleaner’s window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a dry cleaner’s emporium: Drop your pants here.
A sign seen on a restroom dryer: Do not activate with wet hands.
At a car dealership: The best way to get back on your feet? Miss a car payment.
At A Laundry Shop: How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?
At a number of US military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
At a pizza shop: 7 days without pizza makes one weak. (week)

What do you suggest now?

2010-08-30T01:16:00-06:00

Red Skelton: You told that if he doesn’t leave town, we’ll both be killed, didn’t you?

Rod O’Connor: Yes, I told him, but he won’t go.

Red Skelton: What do you suggest now?

Rod O’Connor: I don’t know—Prudential and Metropolitan are both good.

Clawed by a bear

2010-08-29T01:14:00-06:00

Rod O’Connor: It looks like you had trouble doing your income tax.
Red Skelton: I was clawed by a bear!
Rod O’Connor: What’s the difference?

Pay your taxes with a smile …

2010-08-28T01:12:00-06:00

Everyone should pay their income tax with a smile—but the IRS still wants money!

What kind of car would an Ent drive?

2010-08-27T01:11:00-06:00

Little boy: I was thinking about the Ents, from the Lord of the Rings ... they should drive cars.

Dad: Drive? What kind of car could they drive?

Little boy: Monster trucks!

The estimate tax

2010-08-26T01:08:01-06:00

Red Skelton: I had to fill out the estimate tax, but I didn’t sign it.
Rod O’Connor: No?
Red Skelton: No, I figure if I have to guess how much I’m gonna earn, let them guess who’s earning it!

What’s your forte?

2010-08-25T01:05:01-06:00

Lady: I’m a performer.

Red Skelton: What’s your forte?

Lady: Pardon?

Red Skelton: Your forte.

Lady: No, I’m only 39.