Best Clean Funny Jokes

Heavenly Daze, starring the Three Stooges

2010-03-14T02:50:00-06:00

Funny movie quotes from Heavenly Daze starring the Three Stooges

Shemp (Shemp Howard): Bad, Uncle Mortimer?
Uncle Mortimer (Moe Howard): I hope you brought your asbestos suit!

Train announcement: All aboard! The heavenly express, bound for the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, Earth, Mars, Venus, Kookamonga, and all points south.

Shemp (Shemp Howard): [having been soaked by a rain cloud] What’s the idea, you think you’re in California?

I. Fleecem (Vernon Dent): [reading Shemp’s will] ... furthermore, I Shemp the Stooge being of an unsound mind and hereby proving it, do leave all my worldly possessions to my cousins Moe and Larry.

Moe (Moe Howard): [counting out Shemp’s money] That leaves seventy bucks for you, Larry. 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 ... say, at what age did you graduate grammar school?
Larry (Larry Fine): Eighteen.
Moe (Moe Howard): 18 - 19 -20 - 21 -22 ...
Shemp (Shemp Howard): Robber!
Moe (Moe Howard): Say, tell me, how old do you have to be to collect your old age pension?
Larry (Larry Fine): Sixty-five.
Moe (Moe Howard): 65 -66 - 67 - 68 - 69 -70!

I. Fleecem (Vernon Dent): That’s what I call easy pickins!
Shemp (Shemp Howard): [picking his pocket] You’re telling me.

Larry (Larry Fine): Cheerio, Pi-Pip, and all that sort of rot, old thing, old stuff, old fishmonger, old skunk bait!

Larry (Larry Fine): Say, why would anybody want a fountain pen that can write under whipped cream?

Moe (Moe Howard): Get going, and answer the door.
Butler: I’m goin’ but my heart ain’t in it.

Mr. DePuyster: You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
Butler: Mister, you don’t know the half of it.

You probably think this speech is about you

2010-03-12T16:09:00-06:00

What did the green grape say …

2010-03-11T11:43:00-06:00

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

A: Breathe! Breathe!

The clown’s fishing tackle box

2010-03-11T04:10:00-06:00

A clown and his daughter were walking through Wal-Mart, shopping, when they walked through the sporting goods department and saw some fishing tackle boxes.

The clown said to his daughter, “I love my fishing tackle box—I use it all the time. But I don’t go fishing; I keep my clown make-up in it.”

The daughter said, “You should take it fishing sometime—you could catch a clownfish!”

But we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it.

2010-03-10T14:25:01-06:00

The wedding of the antennae

2010-03-10T03:08:00-06:00

Did you hear about the wedding of the two antennae?

The wedding wasn’t anything special, but the reception was amazing!

Funny movie quotes from Pardon My Scotch, starring the Three Stooges

2010-03-09T04:45:00-06:00

Funny movie quotes from Pardon My Scotch (1935) starring the Three Stooges - Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard

Moe (Moe Howard): Get the tools.
Larry (Larry Fine): What tools?
Moe (Moe Howard): The tools we been usin’ for the last ten years.
Larry (Larry Fine): Oh, those tools!

Salesman: Boy, do I feel low. Hey, mix me a pick-up.
Curly (Curly Howard): He wants a derrick!

Moe (Moe Howard): Sneak up on it slow.
Curly (Curly Howard): I’ll be right behind you, don’t be afraid.

Moe (Moe Howard): This oughta pick him up!
Curly (Curly Howard): And put him down, too.

Larry (Larry Fine): Maybe we oughta humor him.
Curly (Curly Howard): I’ll marry him if there’s enough dough in it.

Scotsman: Are you laddies by any chance from Loch Lomond?
Curly (Curly Howard): No, we’re from Lock Jaw.

Hostess: The gentlemen are going to do their native dance.
Curly (Curly Howard): I ain’t gonna take my clothes off for anybody.

Hostess: We would like to have you do the Highland Fling.
Moe (Moe Howard): We ain’t much on the Highland Fling, Lady, but sure knock ‘em dead with our Lowland Shin.
Hostess: A lowland shin?
Curly (Curly Howard): Yeah, it’s the same as a fan dance, only ya do it in kilts!
Larry (Larry Fine): [to bagpipers] Lay on, MacDuff.

Moe (Moe Howard): Hoot, man.
Larry (Larry Fine): Hoot, man.
Moe (Moe Howard): Hoot.
Curly (Curly Howard): Hallelujah, hallelujah!

Frozen Wasteland - song lyrics

2010-03-07T12:59:00-06:00

Funny movie quotes from "Me and the Colonel" starring Danny Kaye, Curt Jurgens

2010-03-07T02:08:00-06:00

Funny movie quotes from Me and the Colonel starring Danny Kaye

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): I packed my belongings in two trunks and moved to Prague, but the German army seemed to take absolute delight in following me.

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): My mother, wise woman that she was, used to say no matter what happened in life, there are always two possibilities.

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): It is not war that is awful, it is being out of it that is disgusting.
Cosette: Can’t I make you forget the war, just for a little while?
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): There is only one woman that can make me forget, she is written in my heart. To her I shall always be faithful.
Cosette: Beginning when?
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): To the end of time!

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): So now, child, get me vehicle.
Szabuniewicz (Akim Tamiroff): Yes, sir, veh ... vehicle?
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): Get me automobile. Get me plane. Get me ... motorcycle! Get me donkey! But get me!
Szabuniewicz (Akim Tamiroff): Yes, sir.

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): My suggestion is that you mind your own business.
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): Strangely enough, we’re in the same business—the business of escaping.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): This fellow gets on my nerves.

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): Hear me, Mr. Leibowitz.

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): For me, that is the one possibility—honorable death!
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): What about honorable life? Isn’t that a possibility?

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): The Baron Rothschild—do you happen to know his address?

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): I would like to take one of the Baron’s automobiles off his hands?
Chauffer: Do you have any proof of your relationship to the baron?
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): Certainly. [hands him a large wad of cash]

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): I requisition this automobile!
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): Why Colonel, why do you have to requisition this automobile when we already have it?

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): I bought this automobile for us.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): You insist on using this intimate pronoun ‘us’!

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): I understand perfectly. The Colonel does not like Jews; he cannot help it, that’s the way it was brought up. I am Jewish; I cannot help it, that’s the way I was brought up.

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): Why did you sell me this automobile when you have no gasoline?
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): In the first place, I did not sell you this automobile, you confiscated it. In the second place, who says I have no gasoline?
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): You have gasoline?
Szabuniewicz (Akim Tamiroff): Must have gasoline, must have Jacobowsky.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): Less and less I like this Jacobowsky.

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): The Colonel is an experienced driver?
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): I am in the cavalry.
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): The modern cavalry is motorized.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): [driving poorly] Not in Poland.

Major Von Bergen (Alexander Scourby): Just as he described it, exactly.
Suzanne Roualet (Nicole Maurey): Who?
Major Von Bergen (Alexander Scourby): My father, he had several meals here when he visited France—in the first World War.

Suzanne Roualet (Nicole Maurey): After you have lost this war, come back and I will prepare you a gala dinner!
Major Von Bergen (Alexander Scourby):I’m afraid I can’t wait that long.

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): Write down also in your head that the Polish government owes me for one heart in very weak condition, one wrecked nervous system, and, if the Germans catch me, one entire Jacobowsky.

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): I do not think, I act. A gun I shoot, woman I love, honor I defend.
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): Taken from the middle ages, as sure as the world is round.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): Who says that?
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): Says what?
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): The world is round.
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): I don’t insist. There is no doubt that you have one of the finest minds of the twelfth century. Unfortunately, I live in the twentieth.

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): Maybe you don’t want to live, but I do!
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): In your case, this desire is trivial.

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): In the cathedral of my heart, a candle was always burning for you.
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): That must be the best-lit cathedral in Europe.

Szabuniewicz (Akim Tamiroff): Sure, Germans have put a price on his head.
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): At the rate we’re going, they’ll collect it.

Suzanne Roualet (Nicole Maurey): And there were no other women?
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): Especially when I am with other women, I feel lonely for you.
Suzanne Roualet (Nicole Maurey): And that is all you did when you were with them, think about me?
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): To every woman I am polite.

Suzanne Roualet (Nicole Maurey): How did you get gasoline?
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): For centuries, alchemists have been trying to turn lead into gold. I have done one better—I have turned vodka into gasoline.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): [outraged] You gave away my vodka!
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): Please, Colonel, you must be philosophical about this. A car cannot run without gasoline, but a man can run without vodka.

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): I know I am a superfluous man, but even a superfluous man wants to go on being ... superfluous.

Suzanne Roualet (Nicole Maurey): You would not believe some of the things he [Jacobowsky] has done to survive.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): I believe it; I am not sure it was worth the effort.

Suzanne Roualet (Nicole Maurey): Where is Jacobowsky?
Szabuniewicz (Akim Tamiroff): I don’t know; I lost him.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): Well done, Corporal.

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): My mother, God rest her soul, was a wonderful cook. Out of nothing she could make, absolutely something.

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): What weapons do you prefer?
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): No preference, I dislike them all.

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): There is a time for advance, and for retreat. This is the uniform for retreat; I know, I’ve worn it all my life.

Major Von Bergen (Alexander Scourby): Such chutzpah you must have learned from a Jacobowsky.

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): When your feet hurt, sometimes it is easier to forget the pain in your heart.

Nun: My passenger, I am sorry to see you here.
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): I myself am not exactly overjoyed.

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): To capture us, they will find it very expensive!
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): Yes, but they can afford it.

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): That’s tactic. Tactic, I leave to my staff officer. Samuel, I hereby appoint you as my staff officer.
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): Thanks for the promotion.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): Oh, you’ve earned it!

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): You are thinking?
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): I am paralyzed.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): That not like you, Samuel. Two heads are better than one, especially when one of them is Jacobowsky.

S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): In the synagogue of my heart, a candle will always burn for you.

Suzanne Roualet (Nicole Maurey): Come back soon, both of you, my two possibilities!

Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): My papers! In my confusion, I left them behind! I must die!
S. L. Jacobowsky (Danny Kaye): [handing him the papers] That would be premature.
Colonel Prokoszny (Curt Jürgens): More and more I am liking this Jacobowsky.

Sean Spencer recites the books of the Bible

2010-03-06T02:02:00-06:00

From the TV series ‘Psych’: Sean Spencer reciting the books of the Bible:
1. Genesis
2. Exorcist
3. Leviathan
4. Do… the right thing