Best Clean Funny Jokes

Why do you never see a fat alligator?

A joke from Red Skelton’s famous seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliffe:

Gertrude..."Why do you never see a fat alligator?

Heathcliff..."I don’t know, why?”

Getrtude… “They always watch what they eat”

Red Skelton’s Gertrude and Heathcliffe see a yellow-bellied roadrunner

Red Skelton told the story about Gertrude and Heathcliffe, two seagulls,.....
Gertrude says to Heathcliffe, “You know what I just saw down there?… I saw a yellow-bellied roadrunner.”

Heathcliffe asked, “Is that a bird?”

Gertrude said, “No,...it’s a pedestrian waiting for the light to change!”

Resisting arrest

A young boy and his father are playing with the boy’s toy cars. The father has the police car, and pretends to pull over the car that the boy is playing with.

“Do you have a drivers license?” asks the father.

“No,” says the boy.

“Are you resisting arrest?” he asks.

The boy hesitates before he answers, “No, but I’m not sleepy at all.”

What does each get?

In school, a mathematics teacher gives his class the following word problem: “A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”

After a long pause, one young man raised his hand and answered, “A lawyer?”

Heathcliffe and Gertrude talk about the bank robbery

Heathcliffe says to Gertrude, “Did you hear about Henny Penny? She found the bag of money the bank robbers hid. But instead of turning it in, she put it away for a rainy day.”

Gertrude said, “What good will money do her?”

Heathcliffe says, “Well, the way things are going, pretty soon that will be chicken feed too!”

Actual answering machine messages

Speak.
Hi. Now you say something.
Hi, I’m not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.
Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine.. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I’m avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.
Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we’re at home cleaning our weapons right now and can’t answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home and it is safe to leave us a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Helga. We can’t pick up phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Helga likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.

The little boy and the rainfall

It was raining outside. Not just raining, but pouring. Buckets of water were falling from the sky, and the little boy turned to his mother. “Mommy?” he said.

“Yes, darling?” his mother replied.

“It’s raining very hard, isn’t it?” the little boy asked.

“Yes, it is,” the mother answered.

“Does that mean that Jesus is taking a shower?”

Newsbusted episode for July 23, 2010

Lou Costello’s definition of a Zebra

From the old Abbott and Costello radio show:

Bud Abbott: You trained wild zebras? Now don’t make me laugh. You don’t even know what a zebra is.

Lou Costello: Oh, I don’t! A Zebra is a black horse with venetian blinds.

Traffic accident between the snail and the tortoise

A snail was crossing the road when he was run over by a tortoise.

A policeman came along and asked him how it happened.

“I don’t know,” replied the snail, “It all happened so fast!”